I started the day again today by breaking into a mess of tears. I just couldn’t handle the stress, or the thought of having to leave the house and go to work.
I decided that I had to try to do something about all this; I haven’t been this bad in months. I made an appointment with the doctor. I’m crying multiple times a day now; I’m having bad thoughts again.
This morning I realised that it’s reached that point now where I should probably take some time off of work. But the thought of that terrifies me, I feel like if I go off work with ‘stress’ I’ll never be able to face going back. So I’ll have to try to carry on with it and just try my best to get through it.
I was also an anxious mess today at work and especially in the doctor’s surgery. It’s so bad at the moment that I just feel constantly sick. Waiting in the waiting room, I could barely take it, I thought I’d have to leave but I stayed there because I knew I needed too.
The doctor’s put me on new medication. I’m going to try and take Duloxetine. If it makes my anxiety a bit better I’ll be very happy.
A lady at work today said that I shouldn’t be in my job; I was really hurt by it. But then I realised that customers are just really mean, especially in my job, it doesn’t mean anything.
A positive thing that happened though is that I talked a lot to one of the people who comes in to do one of the surgeries. I usually don’t like talking to people, it makes me too anxious, but today I did. I don’t know why I did, but it’s a positive thing.
Tomorrow I have to face my manager; I really don’t want to see her.
I’d love to be able to take a few days off. Maybe try to relax and get through this difficult time. But I don’t have much leave time, I think I’ll just have to see how it goes.
-N
Beyond Borderline 