Mental Health · Uncategorized

Please don’t leave me in the meantime

So I woke up this morning excited because it was sowing outside, just a little bit, but still the first snow of the year that I’ve seen. I go to my window and I stick my arm out, it’s only officially snowing if you touch it. The snow doesn’t stick, but it doesn’t matter because just looking at it makes me happy and it feels like a special day. I wake up in a good mood, today seems promising.

I go down stairs and I’m instantly angry, I can’t tell you why, I feel the complete opposite of the exited person I was 2 minutes ago. I’m cranky, and snappy, and my boyfriend gets the brunt of it. I didn’t realise it at first, he must be doing something wrong for me to be so short with him.

But after a while it hits me, he isn’t doing anything wrong, I’m changing moods and I need to realise it. I need to make an extra effort to not snap at him, and so I say to him like I always do “I’m sorry, I’m cranky, I’ll try my best to be better” and I hug him. I start the weekend chores, putting on a wash, finish loading the dishwasher. He mentions that the kitchen needs cleaning, this to me means that he wants me to tidy the kitchen, I feel angry, he can do it himself. I’m not his slave.

After a minute or so, I realise that he probably wasn’t telling me to do it. I overreacted (a word that I despise by the way but I will still use it since it is probably true).

Maybe I should take this moment to explain why I hate the word overreacting, there are in fact a few words I despise, ‘sensitive’, ‘overreacting’, ‘unable to take criticism’, ‘childish’. I hate words like these, because they get used to describe me a lot, and of course I’m none of these. But sadly I am, and I hate it.

To get back to the story.

Because I overreacted, I now feel empty, that’s the best word to describe it, just empty, like I’m this hollow shell and yet I can still feel a humming pain in my chest. I clean the kitchen, and I mean deep clean, because I’m a horrible person for thinking that my boyfriend would tell me to clean it to start with. Keeping busy is good anyway, that way I avoid the creeping sadness, if I don’t look at it, then it doesn’t exist. That’s what I convince myself.

I then decide to make my boyfriend brownies; I haven’t baked anything for months. I’ve promised I would multiple times but I just haven’t done it. I make his favourite, I need to make him happy.

It’s always easier to make other people happy, I have this habit of making people things, or planning them these big surprises or to just buy them things, because seeing him happy makes me happy. That and I need to apologise for being the way I am. So of course I then go on to cook him lunch (an omelette in which I go to extreme effort to make it the best omelette I’ve ever made). I probably need his approval, but I do enjoy cooking so I guess that can’t be bad right? I then go on to buy him a bunch of stuff, because I’m planning on making him a ‘Relax Box’ because I am a pain and being with me is intolerable. I feel like I need to reassure him that I might be the craziest person in the world but I’m working on it. (Please don’t leave me in the meantime).

After doing all this, I sit in my dark kitchen, I have ‘Gilmore Girls’ on in the background (I’ve only just finished marathoning them, but I’m going to start the series again because it makes me feel safe) and I just feel so EMPTY. But of course it isn’t an empty feeling, it’s just pure sadness, but I can’t face it, because if I do I’ll officially be sad. I can’t be sad. I need to fight this low mood.

And that’s when I decided to write this blog post. Nothing exciting happening in this one, but now I feel my thoughts are organised. About 5 minutes into writing, next door’s cat is at the living room window, the boyfriend lets me know because he knows I’ll want to see her. She jumps on the window sill and I give her a hug, it feels more like she’s hugging me. I think she comes to me when she knows I’m sad. For about 10 minutes she makes me feel better, but then she leaves, I return to sit in the dark kitchen and I feel the sadness again.

-N

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