“Alright babes? Everything ok with you? You’re not yourself”
This is the message I received from a work colleague tonight.
I can’t even put into words the panic and pure terror I felt when I read this message (ironic really since I’m writing a blog).
I had a million thoughts rush through my head at once. “Do I try to be honest?”, “Do I lie and pretend that I’m fine”, “What if that message wasn’t even meant for me and I make a complete fool of myself”.
You see, I don’t talk about my feelings, I never tell people if I’m having a really bad day, I just pretend and I get on with things. I didn’t think that anybody ever noticed, but today someone did.
It took me around an hour to write a reply. I thought very hard about what I would say to her, I worried even more that I’d say the wrong thing. I was scared of opening up, and I was scared of throwing this kindness away because of my anxiety.
What did I decide to write in the end? I decided to tell her that I had been having a bad, day that I was feeling more down than usual and I said thank you to her for taking the time to check on me.
Before I sent the message I broke down crying, I was just so terrified that I’d be rejected.
But instead I got the most lovely message back telling me that I didn’t need to hide my moods from the people I work with, that they were there for me, and that she was looking forward to the end of the week so she got to spend more time with me.
So what did this experience tell me about myself? It told me that I have serious issues with interacting with people and putting myself out there. But it did also tell me that sometimes good things can come of it.