My moods are very erratic. I can go from hypomanic to depressed in a matter of seconds and can happen multiple times a day. One thing that you are certain of when you spend time with me is that you can never guess which me you’ll end up with. It’s truly frustrating for everyone involved. I am a whirlwind; you can never catch up to me. This makes me a nightmare to be around; it’s one of the biggest reasons why I hate myself.
When I’m experiencing my low moods, I’m cranky and snappy, it is usually the first indicator that I’m on a down. My lows feel unbearable, just pure sadness, like all of the light in the world is gone, and the sadness will last forever. This feeling makes me want to end everything, just so I can get away from the pain.
My highs are just as bad, if not worse. I have so much energy, I can’t stop talking or dancing or singing. I can’t sit still, having a million thoughts a minute and everyone and everything seem to be moving in slow motion. But I am not in control of all this, it doesn’t feel like it’s even me doing all this, I’m as surprised as everyone else what I say or do, are they even my thoughts? I’ll start arguing with myself, I shout at myself to shut up, to just be quiet, but I don’t, I can’t. I’m not even happy, I just feel hollow, an empty shell, like someone else has control over my body.
I’d definitely say that these mood swings are one of the most difficult parts of my BPD. It’s incredibly tiring going from one extreme to another without even being able to come up for air in-between. How can I truly be anyone when I’m so changeable? How can anybody ever want to be with me? Or like me? Will I be like this forever? That thought scares me to death.
My moods are something that I am constantly working on. I have to take note of what I’m feeling, listen to the warning signs of a mood change and try to not let bad things happen because of them. I’m not getting any professional help at the moment, not that I haven’t asked for it they just won’t help me here, so I am alone in this. I have spent a lot of time being angry about this, angry and sad. But now I’m at the point where I know I just have to do it on my own. Maybe, I’ll be able to make myself better. Maybe, I can become a person that people want to be with.
Maybe I can find happiness.