So the worst has happened, I had a complete breakdown at work. The one place where I’ve been doing so well at pretending that I’m ok and that I don’t have this stupid mental illness.
I’ve just gone and ruined it all.
It all came from my anxiety. My boss told me that I had a new job that I had to do (aswell as the work I do already). I have to take phone calls in Welsh and basically be a switch board for the whole of the area. Two minutes later, I’m getting phone calls. But the problem is nobody had actually explained to me what I needed to do, and my manager didn’t even know herself. I told her that because nobody had explained to me what needed doing, I wouldn’t be able to do it that day, that I needed to talk to the person who had given me the job (I actually also have had no training on how to use the phone which doesn’t help things).
She told me no, that I needed to take the phone calls and I just needed to deal with it. My anxiety was through the roof at this point. I was trying my best to keep calm, to not burst into tears but I was reaching my limit. I was starting to disassociate, but again, I was trying to talk to myself, tell myself that everything was fine and that I could cope.
I tried to contact the people that were already do this work, I know three of them from work. But at this point it was 4pm on a Friday night and they had all gone home, but I was still stuck in this hell with no way out.
In the end I just couldn’t take it, I was having a full blown panic attack and I just started crying.
Now my manager thinks that I can’t handle the extra responsibility, I won’t lie it makes me anxious. But I know I will be able to cope with it when someone actually explains to me what I need to do.
So now I’ve failed. My work knows that I’m a crazy idiot and my mask has been shattered. How will I pretend to be confident now that they all know I’m an anxious mess? Months of repressed sadness and not coping came flooding out in that moment of weakness. And now I just can’t get over it. I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, all of a sudden I’m overcome with depression and anxiety, 10 x more than the usual. I’m not coping at all; the really bad thoughts are back and stronger than ever.
I think it’s time to go back to the doctor, but the sad thing is nobody will give me treatment. They tell me they don’t have anybody that can help me. I’m stuck, I’m alone and I feel like everything is just too much.
I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. But the one thing I know is that I’m going to have to do it alone.