I haven’t written any post for a while now. When I started writing on here it was like I was able to put my thoughts out there and they weren’t locked up in my head anymore and it was great.
But like almost every other thing I do, I put my all into it to start and then I just kind of stop. I feel like maybe I was getting too obsessed about getting the posts written and ready to upload as fast as possible and I lost track of the reason of why I was actually doing this.
Ironically, I think this might be related to my BPD, this inability to finish or to continue with the things that I’ve started. This happens a lot in my life and I’m not entirely sure why. It might be that I feel like a different person from one hour to the next. Each mood swings brings with it a different version of me, different wants, different thoughts and different beliefs.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I have multiple personalities; rather it would be more accurate to describe it as having no personality at all. I spend my time creating ones, to try to be someone, but I am no one.
I guess there is a positive to this, if you have no personality you have a blank slate in which you can create the ideal personality, to be whom you’ve always wanted to be. But who you want to be is constantly changing and the personalities I create never seem to be able to stick. Maybe I even procrastinate having a stable personality.
But I can’t put all the blame on my BPD on this, it might make it a bit more difficult for me but at the end of the day it’s only me who can fix it.
So I’m going to give this another go.